Who is a-reading?

I noticed that this got 6 views today, and I’m wondering who they’re from. Is it really 6 people, or just one or two coming back once in awhile to see if I’ve written anything new? Either way, thanks.. It validates my feelings in some way. (Also I like this more than tumblr JUST CAUSE thats what everyone else has.. hah.)

Today I feel… optimistic? Like things are slowly getting better. Of course I’ve felt this way in the past and hours or days later something else happens to set me off again. But one can hope. And we both made a promise.

Distractions..

Lindsay took me out shopping, I spend some of my giftcards. I bought I really pretty dress… but I was kind of sad thinking that I have nowhere to wear it. Maybe a party or something.

I also got to catch up with Pam and a few other friends from high school. (note: none of them actually went to my high school, I had no friends in that aspect) It was nice to take my mind off things for an afternoon.

(un)comfortably numb.

We’ll see what happens tomorrow.

You made me a promise today

That you would change, and things would get better, and you would prove it to me.

Remember..

that episode of Spongebob when Squidward went like way way waaaay into the future and it was just this white room that said ALONE everywhere and there was this voice saying ALONE over and over again? Thats how I feel right now.

ALONE.

ALONE.

ALONE.

For Reasons Unknown

Why does that song seem to describe my life right now? I hate this. Why does it have to be this way. I feel so… rejected.

Actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words.

I feel a little better today.

I’m trying. I’m really trying. I wish I was better at saying what I feel. I can see everything I want to say, visualized in my head. But then when I’m supposed to say it I can’t. Its as simple as that, I’m retarded. Instead I laugh, or cry, or both. Or blurt out some lame answer that isnt really what I wanted to say. I’m stupid.

Phones are the worst. Not only can I not think of what to say, but I also cant see the person I’m talking to, gauging their reaction and emotion. Any online communication is too impersonal (yet I find that instant messaging is the best way I can get my feelings out to someone, interestingly.) Letters are just awkward.. do you mail it? Hand it over when you first meet up? As you’re about to leave? Tuck it underneath their pillow?

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO BAD AT TALKING?

Even though I’m just a blabbering idiot, I feel better. I feel improved. Again, I’m trying to be mature. I’m trying to be better. Everything is going to be OKAY.

What I wouldn’t give…

to go back to any day from this time last year.

I was so much happier.

Things were the same… but they were so very different.

Please, if you’re reading… just say one thing, or do one thing, that you would’ve done then. Even if you don’t mean it anymore.

A Year in Review…

Well, I’ve had this blog for a year and written about four times… but there’s so much on my mind lately that maybe I’ll make it a regular thing. That’s not a resolution, though. Those just remind me that I never accomplish anything I start.

I want to be more mature this year, and stop overanalyzing and second guessing every little thing. I want to make my own decisions. No, I’m not talking about permission from parents and that whole story, I’m talking about my constant need of others approval when I really should be thinking about making myself happy. (Thats all anyone else is concerned about, anyways) I want to branch out more and not hide in my little comfort zone, there’s no fun in that!

C: I’m sorry… I know starting working has been hard for you and I haven’t made it any easier.. I always expect things to never have to change…

M+J: I know things have been hard for you both in your own separate ways, and you know that I am always here to help in whatever way you need. You are my two best friends I’ve ever had, and thank you for always being honest with me when I’m not honest with myself.

The new year started with me sitting barefoot in a police cruiser watching a fire. I hope that if nothing else, this year will be as interesting and memorable as that moment.

Technology.

I am really sick of technology. And how sitting next to someone with a computer in your lap or a phone in your hand (and texting someone else) counts as socializing. I wish I lived in another time period where ignoring technology wouldn’t make me a social outcast, like it would today. I enjoy facebook and checking up on old friends and family, sharing pictures with people I dont see every day, and sending a nice word or two to a friend. But I am just sick of how blogs and social networking sites are the cause of many relationship problems. Not just for me but for many friends. It is so hard just to have a normal conversation.

On the eve of my departure.

I don’t want to leave Boston. I don’t want to have to drive if I want to go somewhere. I don’t want to have to be 5 hours away from my best friend. I don’t want to tell my mom I’m ’sleeping on the couch’. I’ve hated moving ever since I was 6, and this is no different. This is like going back in time, regressing to a period of my life that I hated.

Things I don’t want to do this summer: work, walk Lily every morning, be my mom and sister’s slave again, babysit for my mom, have to come home early, have to come home at all, see my ex(es), not see my friends

Things I want to do this summer: get as tan as I was in California, go to California, go to Newport Beach, go to Devareaux Beach, get a raspberry lime rickey, play at Perks and Starbucks, visit Meg and see my old house in Jersey, go to the Rainforest Cafe, go to Cinnabon, take Lily to the dog park, see Nine inch Nails and Janes Addiction

I CANNOT wait to give Corey his graduation present. This is the best idea I’ve ever had in my life. If all goes as planned I’ll be giving it to him Friday.

Goodbye, Boston.