You were always number 1
and I never cared about 2 or 3
Will I ever be number 1 to you?
When there are friends and TV,
beer, free time, and a bed all to yourself
I guess I was stupid for thinking I could compete.
It’s hopelessness and hope.
Its loneliness and pain, but a numbness that hurts more.
It’s wanting to get away, but forcing myself to stay.
It’s realizing that this is all I care about, and you could care less.
I am INDIFFERENT. yes, I’m going to cry all day, and you’re not going to give a shit. Used to that. But I’m not gonna try ANYMORE.
Its something that you should probably try to keep intact and not fuck up.
So I’ve had a sharp pain in the back of my head for 2 days and all I’m thinking about is dying. What if I have a tumor or hemorrage and I go to sleep tonight and never wake up?
Today I made a heartbreaking decision. Jane, I will miss you. You brought me to places I never thought I would go, and together we did things I never thought I would do. You brought out the best in me, and in 20 years I will look back on our time together and be happy and proud. I will tell my grandkids about you, and hope they pass on the story as well. About crazy grandma Brianne and her sidekick Jane.
The truth is, I just haven’t been making time for you. I’ve been neglecting you, and I feel bad about it every day. You deserve to see the light of day, and I know that you will. I am still passionate about music, Jane, and I have you to thank for that.
But I decided that my number 1 priority is school. That although I want to be remembered as having something to do with music, I know that school and writing are what I want to do with my life. Sadly, selling you off to help pay my bills might have to do with that.
I don’t really know what to do yet, I wish there was some sort of “open adoption” way we could go about doing this where I still get to see you. But instead, for now, I’m just gonna say, thank you, and whatever happens, you know that you will always be my number one.
I have been thinking a lot about the universe lately. About life and what happens after. Maybe it’s because I’m bored. Maybe its because a subject so huge makes all my problems seem tiny and unimportant. Either way I’m not gonna type out all my thoughts on it here, but if anyone wants to talk about it, you probably know where to find me.
But I will say that no matter what is out there or what happens, I’m glad that I am who I am. I’m glad that I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m glad that I’m REAL (or at least trying to be) and there are other people out there who are genuine. Goodnight.
I received a comment from Randy that he is reading. Is this Randy? The only Randy that I know.. well, thank you. I write more than just this, and you will get a chance to read it this semester. If this is Randy, that is.
And to anyone else that is reading, I apologize for stopping after a series of pessimistic posts. Things have gotten better, it seems, but there is still that nagging voice in the back of my mind. About how things are so fucked up. This weekend I learned about how bad it really is, out in the “real world”. And I’m glad that I can hide here for another two or so years.
I noticed that this got 6 views today, and I’m wondering who they’re from. Is it really 6 people, or just one or two coming back once in awhile to see if I’ve written anything new? Either way, thanks.. It validates my feelings in some way. (Also I like this more than tumblr JUST CAUSE thats what everyone else has.. hah.)
Today I feel… optimistic? Like things are slowly getting better. Of course I’ve felt this way in the past and hours or days later something else happens to set me off again. But one can hope. And we both made a promise.
Lindsay took me out shopping, I spend some of my giftcards. I bought I really pretty dress… but I was kind of sad thinking that I have nowhere to wear it. Maybe a party or something.
I also got to catch up with Pam and a few other friends from high school. (note: none of them actually went to my high school, I had no friends in that aspect) It was nice to take my mind off things for an afternoon.
(un)comfortably numb.
We’ll see what happens tomorrow.
That you would change, and things would get better, and you would prove it to me.
